Tag Archives: Thoughts

Dreamer’s Struggle—Reality or Fear?

4 Nov

My blood is pumping, my ears cannot distinguish between the sounds of screams, moans and yells, the mob is too much. Clusters of people are gathering around squishing, pushing, no hesitation, only panic.

I wake up. Dead air, silence, nothing.

I can go back in time,

I can rehearse the chaos,

Feel the hands, and fingers of hundreds poking at me,

grabbing,

what is this nightmare?
Is it a reality? A memory from before this life?

How can a dream feel so vivid, so real….so much like the crystallized snapshot,

only memories are capable of producing?

I close my eyes, the bed says sleep child, sleep.

Yet the child shivers,

And though my body is no longer small and weak,

Though my hands have grown,

And my knowledge of this world deepended,

The helplessness is still there,

The unknowing, that fear that is easy to push down,

Comes back up sometimes…

I tell myself it is not real…I am in control.

Sometimes though, when I have fought too much,

When my armor is off,

It is hard, it is a choice.

Let the fear consume me, I could just stay in my shell forever.

Or crush my teeth together, scream at this nameless evil,

And reach a state of happiness,

Hard to grasp,

But once I’m there—

The struggle makes sense,

The worth of happiness is stronger than the price of remaining nothing.

Advertisements

The Rant…

27 Oct

This is very different from the content that I usually  feel inspiration on, actually, this is something that I wish I were not writing about, but there is an overwhelmingly huge part of me that needs to get it out!

NSA stands for No Strings Attached

No not the movie, the relationship that many involve in. And guess what it is a lie, its imaginary, its unreal it does NOT EXIST. I do not know where this term came along; I do not know why people use it. To me it devalues a relationship, it degrades sex.

Yes, we live in a busy world, one with fast transportation, fast food, fast communication, but is there such a thing as fast sex?

If you are not a hooker, than NSA should not exist. I know this is vulgar, and I do not want to stay on this topic, but I am seeing it everywhere.

It use to be college, a fling that only 20 something’s were involved in but now it is progressing to highschool! And it needs to stop.

Our lives are filled with a fast- paced- beat.

This does not mean that intimacy needs to be fast, that does not mean that we should forget the amazing feeling of getting to know another person, to love another person, to share moments of life with someone.

Why do we need or make love, sex, so fast? There is no reason, yes carnal yearnings are a part of being a mammal, but we are human. That means we think, we ruminate, we have the ability to encompass patience.

To me in a world where everything comes fast, sex has lost its value. And no, I am not talking about economic value, because we are not living in the 15th century. I am talking about the emotional and psychological value that sex once had.

Let us go back to that place. Why not? Lets change the dialogue. Because real intimacy comes from getting to know someone, just like you get to know a friend, so should romantic relationships be.

So I am saying lets put NSA in the trash because it’s NOT REAL, whoever created this term did it so people can treat sex like a pastime between strangers, and hey maybe you get out of a long-term relationship and you thinkthat’s what you need. Guess what it’s not.

Empty sex, is like dead air, there is no point to it. (This is a lesson!)

And I think that both men and women, actually, this is nothing to do with gender or race, this is about being human, life should have meaning, and the activities we participate in, the things we say, the people we have relationships with–it should have meaning, because life is about purpose, and if you destroy value then–take a step back–because every person, every life has a meaning, so don’t hurt yourself or others.

Love is everywhere, it’s all around us, do not cheapen it, and do not forget you deserve happiness, and you are valuable.

Everything in life is really a lesson; see the positive, see the silver lining.

Make every encounter,

Every word,

One of value.

Ever Wish

20 Oct

All these charismatic people,

standing around me,

Speaking only when value comes to mind,

Their smiles are gold,

It makes even the most desolate, glimmer in hope.

Oh, they play the game well,

yet–

they are all mad.

 

INSANE—yet it would be criminal–

to sound out this truth,

I will cling to their personas

and wish they were my own.

How natural their gestures

and questions

their rhythmic dancing and composed faces,

ah if only I could be like these beautiful creatures

each reflecting the delicacy of life.

 

All around me, I watch,

as they laugh at those who could never be lunatics like them,

silence grip me—

Because they’ll show their humanity

give a hand where it needed

and a lack of control on my part seeps out

 

—-for how can one be so cruel and at the next moment,

the philanthropist?

 

These things I will never put a name on,

never know what defines them,

will their karmic damage ever manifest?

 

All these charismatic people,

are the characters that color my life

and I’ll love them forever,

even if I cannot understand every action,

I’ll still wish I could be them…..

But at least I get to watch.

Water to the Soul

24 Aug

I have not felt this free in weeks

It has taken me that long

To realize that I cannot let go of this one thing

To write is to think

I have been thirsty for days

Dying

Inside my body, I only feel the ache of a weakness

And I tried

Told my self I was not good enough to do this

Told my self I had no voice

And then in the midst of thirst

Insanity set in

And through it came my need

I broke down

The pen and paper came to me as if by magic

And in that way I could not stop

Hours went by

When I finally looked at a clock

My heart stopped

This is beauty

This is life

The ability of curiosity

Which some of us shut out–

Make it a thing unknown except in child hood memories but I have decided memory

Is no longer sufficient

I have decided that it is time

To brake the rules

Make a few mistakes and maybe through them something good will come

They tell me this is no way to live a life

They say that this is a long road of sorrow

But how am I suppose to cope

With out the pen

All these thoughts they jumble in my head

They squeeze together

Until I can’t live in there any longer

Finally the breath comes

The sip of water I had been restraining against

And I am completely again

I am human

Ugly and beautiful

Animal and spirit

And all of this makes me

Half lunatic

And half something else

Something I cannot define

Not yet not now.

Don’t ever hold it back

even if it seems like crap

Do not hold back

Wake Up

7 Aug

Life has meaning when you put meaning into it,

I’ve been in a rut for the past week.

Depressed, thinking stupid things,

wasting my time so I don’t have to deal with reality.

But this morning, my brain woke me up by way of a message :

That it’s a choice I am making

it’s a choice to sit around

it’s a choice to do something

and its a choice to start being happy,

to start remembering that everything in this world….

is connected

that everything in this world has a meaning.

I was so angry because

I couldn’t think up any stories

think up a beautiful tale to tell

and that’s silly

life has so many stories

I guess it’s about learning

it’s about just trying

I’ve been too embarrassed to tell the real stories

the stories about my life

but each chapter of my life is a book.

Each place I’ve moved to

the parties I’ve been to

the things I have seen

they are all stories

and its about paying attention to the world around you.

But why I am so focused on thinking up ways to write?

When I should just write

like right now I feel so good.

It’s like finally, finally I can write and all these emotions

all these realizations

they feel real

I feel real

I feel significant

worth it.

Sometimes when I get depressed,

I’ll start thinking that success is crazy

that how could I be successful?

But that’s so stupid!

I decided today

that I am no longer going to think that success is beyond my reach.

In fact I believe it is around the corner

but its time,

being an overactive human like myself

makes me want things fast

achieve fast

get it as soon as possible!

and when it doesn’t come fast

I get frustrated

I become a zombie.

That’s no way to live,

that’s not a mentality that I want to stay in

I want to be calm

I want to accept the world around me

I want to breathe in its beauty

I am curious about everything

I want to know why the world is the way it is

And I believe, that it is through my own fiction

that I can learn, understand and most of all appreciate my life.

You see I have a theory

that when one sits down to write

they should just do that

just go through the motions

just do it,

don’t think, that what your writing is stupid

because that’s completely cutting off your value as a person.

And that’s not fair to ourselves,

Right now I feel super inspired

I can feel like this any day any time

by just remembering that even the motion of writing

even trying is significant

I am significant

This world we live in today

this era

its full of so many distractions

so many things that keep taking away

our significance.

Because by saying ah I don’t feel like studying

I don’t feel like writing

I don’t feel like working

let me watch some tv or go on the computer and play games or watch a show,

by doing that, we are essentially giving away what makes us

unique

and instead filling our minds with a pollution

that does not allow any time to think

for ourselves.

However, we can escape this bombardment of messages—

by self-control,

remembering what it is we want

remembering that every single person, every life

your life, is more important

than wasting time

and once your dreams come true,

that’s when life gives us even more

opportunities, hopes,

and most of all we appreciate.

That’s the point, isn’t it–

to take pleasure

in the work we do

in the lives we live

by remembering

we are here

we are alive

we are connected

and most of all:

we are significant

If There’s no Brain, Theres no Power…

20 Jul

I’m not sure how to say how this subject came up but it did.

I was thinking about people who need alcohol, who need a joint, who need to smoke who need to gamble, but those are just a few addictions, out of the thousands that our society has developed or… made up.

It doesn’t have a brain does it? The glass of wine, or the cigarette in your hand? It does not have a brain . And yet for many, they use them, and thoughts come about which make us act differently, maybe to some, it makes them act better or so they think.

If something doesn’t have a brain, then it cannot be trusted,

Because maybe, its not the drug, that makes you feel good

maybe its the thoughts caused by it

the thoughts caused….

In theory if one can control their thoughts one can control their emotions

so one thinks using and abusing the thing without a brain is a way of controlling their thoughts

but it isn’t.

Makes you feel good?

But the consequences are thick with regret,

and so maybe we need to forget our cheap methods of forgetting of deluding our lives with the senseless objects of life which are just that objects with no mind with no intent.

The only intent is within ourselves. Control that, and I believe you got a hold of the future.

Quote

If only meditation was so…

1 Jun

If only meditation was sold in little boxes at pharmacy’s

I don’t know why,
But after meditation, something happens in my mind.
A calmness, which becomes even clearer when I open my eyes.
I just know that everything, as cliché as it is….will be okay.

When I meditate before I write,
Oh, the feeling is beautiful, the words are flawless
They come out of me as if they had already been written

When I mediate to edit the writing,
I have no hesitation
No initial thoughts of “no no leave it for later”
I go about the task two or three times,
Just doing it.

Just do the task at hand.

Meditation taught me
We are who we are in the present,
What we do now is what we are,
Not the past, not what other people think you are,
But what you think you are.