Tag Archives: Think

Meaningless Thrills

13 Oct

Filling the dark room with the soft seductive music of the devil,

They played the game across the room,

Took a hand,

Grasped a shoulder,

Skin on skin,

That is how we like it.



Flash forward,

When is it going to end?

My pain, this deep guttural suffering

It twists in me, the memories leap out everywhere

My lonely soul, my heart ripped

Too many times this dance has leaded me to despair.



Yet it happens everywhere

All the time, right now.

And it’s no unique situation,

Those who get hurt easily should know better.



Flash back to that room,

The music subdues all the mortals in the room,

Do they really think this is the last night of fun?

I pull away,

I look around,

This has happened before

This mistake

These moves–all of it.




It’s been so long,

This environment— is toxic

These people they are stuck in this,

And again and again, I’ll get sick

With this disease not of the heart but the mind

The ego

It easily bruises, depression sets in,

These symptoms I should know—

They come from actions unspoken

And the idea of thrill—-



Inflicting pain on you is a choice—

When you have learned the lesson and yet choose,

Not to apply what you have learned.

And is it really worth it?

Is satisfying thrill worth the pain that follows?


I had to consciously ask my self this

And for a while, I could not because….

Like a merry-go-round rotating faster and faster

The speed making me dizzy with delusion

I just thought about the momentary happiness,

Didn’t look at the future,

And sometimes we must step out of that merry-go-round,

Out of that seductive room,

Take a breath and question what you want

And if what you are doing is taking you there or somewhere

Only pains exist.



Be prepared to run…

And that is okay because

What you want will come around

At some point at, the right place, the right time, the right people.

Sometimes running

Is the strength your patience needs.


Nervous Ruminations

7 Sep


A kiss or a cry, that’s how it is with this one. That’s why I don’t want to go tomorrow; I really don’t want to go. I am NOT going.

Can’t I just say I am sick? It doesn’t quite stick at a certain age. There are only so many days, one can hide.

It’s so much more relaxing, hiding I mean. I’ve been in hiding, for sooo long. I can’t even remember what the world looks like.

It’s so much easier, to stay here, in the passive life .Where no situation can embarrass or….hurt me.

I can imagine it now,

I’ll walk into that room and I’ll feel naked!

All my mistakes will bombard me, and I wish I had been smarter!
So what do I do? DO I go? Well what other option do I have, but to go?

I must do what must be done; I can smile at everyone, and say, hey it’s all good.

Act like it’s all fine, because if I act than I’ll feel….peace.


How do we learn, if we do not make a mistake? It’s all for the real world, the real life you want to achieve. All these mistakes all these problems, you really think you’ll ever make them again?
No, you won’t because you’re smart.

Because you learn from your mistakes.

And you will never ever make yourself uncomfortable.


So I’ll brace myself with good words

I’ll remember to smile,

And maybe, just maybe,

I’ll get through tomorrow. Let it come! I’ll be waiting.


Sense of Loss…

25 May

Sense of Loss

Losing things all the time

lipstick, that’s okay

socks from an uncle, that’s fine

an ipod with an inscription from my mother, that’s okay as long as she doesn’t find out…

……..but it was pretty

I learned to get over losing things,

the insignificant things,


the objects of pleasure

my sources of desire,

those were harder to get over.

Then somewhere

I lost you

ah that’s okay

I’ll find another you

a replica maybe

that walks and talks,

just like you

Losing my mind

even better, lose that and I’m happy.

We get use to loss,

we learn how to accept it

Incorporate it as part of life.

First it’s the small things,

gradual steps to the bigger things get harder

I tried to think


Think why am I losing it all??

I liked it all–

the dumb toys’

the lovely promise notes,

the text messages of hopeless need,

Only memory can bring them back

and it’s never that good

never as satisfying as having it in your hand,

inside you,

your soul, your mind,

all get lost,

because the things you lose,

end up owning you.


Intoxicating Stench…

20 May

Intoxicating Stench

Lie to me.

There are many lies, big and small,

But the worst ones,

Are the ones we tell ourselves.

To get what I wanted, I told a lie.

Many little ones, but the biggest one, the worst one was the one I told myself…

That it didn’t matter how much damage I caused other people.

Until the mental struggle took physical form.

Instantly, I was at the party, I could smell it in the air,

Sex hung on the walls, a painter’s initiative when he first came in,

Drugs circled the rooms

And alcohol was just part of the scenery

Red cups  and keg stands

Shots for all!

Lose your morals for the night.

I don’t participate, just watch the show.

The easiest way to get away with a lie, is never ever participate

Let it filter every echoless mind, all you have  do is let it slip your lips,

And then dine at the outcome.

It’s evil, I know, but after years of watching the snowball effect of other peoples tortures…I learned.

A nameless beauty handed me a drink.

I smiled at her and of course, the fragile being accepted it.

Later love was uttered in a whisper,

She was more than ready to accept.

Evil comes in many forms.

It’s the things we say and do that determine how evil we are.

No one is born good

Or bad….

It’s a choice….and the power game starts

That sweet smell,

That sweet intoxicating stench gets me every time.

Every party,

Is a lie, waiting to happen.


12 May

The positive philsophy.

I love it. I live it.

And sometimes, I come up with poems that  don’t seem so happy and go lucky.

Maybe it was Chuck Palahniuk. It started with Choke, and then went to Fight Club.

Suddenly I was curious about all books.

About what else is there in this world that I don’t know?

If you want to keep going,

Make certain you are curious,

about something.

Never get boring.