Tag Archives: Poem

Dreamer’s Struggle—Reality or Fear?

4 Nov

My blood is pumping, my ears cannot distinguish between the sounds of screams, moans and yells, the mob is too much. Clusters of people are gathering around squishing, pushing, no hesitation, only panic.

I wake up. Dead air, silence, nothing.

I can go back in time,

I can rehearse the chaos,

Feel the hands, and fingers of hundreds poking at me,

grabbing,

what is this nightmare?
Is it a reality? A memory from before this life?

How can a dream feel so vivid, so real….so much like the crystallized snapshot,

only memories are capable of producing?

I close my eyes, the bed says sleep child, sleep.

Yet the child shivers,

And though my body is no longer small and weak,

Though my hands have grown,

And my knowledge of this world deepended,

The helplessness is still there,

The unknowing, that fear that is easy to push down,

Comes back up sometimes…

I tell myself it is not real…I am in control.

Sometimes though, when I have fought too much,

When my armor is off,

It is hard, it is a choice.

Let the fear consume me, I could just stay in my shell forever.

Or crush my teeth together, scream at this nameless evil,

And reach a state of happiness,

Hard to grasp,

But once I’m there—

The struggle makes sense,

The worth of happiness is stronger than the price of remaining nothing.

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Temporary Delirium

30 Sep

Living in her own head,

The girl with one earring

The one dancing with a song no one hears,

The one who stares aimlessly into the abyss

I look at her,

I see what she could be

All the possibilities

All the dreams,

Shooting past her

Will she grab one?

 

Crying in his alcoholic melancholy,

He sits where no one can see him,

He laugh’s where no one can hear

Can he catch a shooting star?

Make a wish?

Can he let go of every insecurity?

I look at him,

and wonder,

can he get out of his head?

 

 

Lost is a place,

it’s a time

it is one of those places in-between

it has no gender

no specifics to enter,

it simply is.

 

There is a choice

stay forever

or walk away,

get up,

make a move

speak less and do more of the things that will help make a better life.

 

 

We must run to the things that love us,

we must catch the wonders of the world

and never forget

that we are alive

and all this non-sense

all this background noise

trying to distract us

is irrelevant–doesn’t matter

hold on to what is real,

recognize the imaginary,

distinguish what can be good–

and what can lead you astray.

 

 

One day–all the girls and boys,

come to a point

where they can keep living in childhood delirium

or wake up,

and grow up,

the choice will always be there.

 

 

You will look back at that place called “lost”

and giggle at all the distractions

see how courage saved you,

you will remember that child,

but it’s not you anymore

–you are strong

you are powerful,

you see the right–

 

Never forget you can change!

and you decide

to make your circumstances temporary or permanent,

you decide every day,

if being lost in delirium

is really where you want to be.

 

State of Play

9 Jul

They were all acting in front of me,

the dumb clowns,

didn’t they know I could tell?

There was a difference between the barbies and myself…

I was ugly inside

and maybe on the outside as well,

for whatever wrinkles and tugs the inside

will come out.

And so they laughed, danced, drank.

Pathetic.

There was a need in me to stand up and shout.

To become hysterical,

to break the façade.

I imagined it again and again in my head

a lunatic carousel revolving faster and faster

until someone handed me a smile.

Throwing it back, didn’t mean it was sincere.

But hey you wake up,

you put on your costume,

whatever it may be,

the hair and makeup,

and then your ready to get on stage.

 

Day after day, revisit the play

Sour Deed

3 Jul

The kindest spirit can turn ugly

Very quickly,

When they dip their toes into the eternal muck.

Lie with ease,

And kill with no regret.

 

Temptation was my own undoing,

Slow and painful was my recourse

I tried to go back

I tried to find the way where there was something good  

But nothing has changed in this place,

Nothing ever changes

Unless something is done

Something vehemently good or bad

 

And who is the man who judges the worthy from the unworthy?

The scum from the warriors?

I thought that someone would save me…

I thought their was a purpose to every action,

And then I found out,

Rather horribly that the monster lives within…

The weakened soul.

 

So I left

With nothing in hand,

It tried to follow

My nasty sins

And the others with their petrified glances

Were happy to see me leave

And I myself was with joy

That I would never again have to see this place

The one place that never changes

The one place where hell exists.

 

Which later I found out,

Was not a place

Not in the physical

But sadly,

Only within….oneself,

But only if you choose

Only if you decide,

To live in it.

 

No matter which way you run

Which hidden passage you stay,

Hell can only exist if you let it.

Jump

30 Jun

I wanted to rush into the water

I wanted to jump in and swim away,

But I stood there, above the edge, close enough to feel the chill,

Fear crept around the edges of my skin,

My mind wasn’t ready for this,

So weak

So fucking weak.

 

I wanted to jump in, I really did

But wanting was not enough

I had to do it

And stop thinking so much

Thinking too much always killed what I could do

 

I am stronger only when I take a jump.

When I take a chance.

 

Everyday jumping farther into the cold,

And once the initial shock has faded,

The chill no longer bothers me,

I become the water

My body and mind mix with it

Making me a better

More powerful person,

Who knows when to jump,

And forgets little fears.

Woodland Monster Dreams

24 Jun

I was stuck in the dream for what felt like days

No movements from the body which I inhabited

And I suspected it was the body of a rock

Cold, and smooth, muddy with the earth and all her blessed gifts

The soil gave me hope

And strength

Beyond the vision of the tree’s I saw the monster running

It was a strange and horrible monster

It grew each step it took closer and closer to me

It’s long arms were the color of blood its

Face had no eyes only a long wide mouth and two jagged front teeth

Stained with black and red, those teeth told me the story I didn’t want to hear

But had to see

The monster grabbed me

Grabbed my wonderful smooth surface

It’s hands were grimy, and coarse

An uncomfortable feeling, a violation—

I was meant to stay in the earth, I was meant to bathe in the sun, and sleep under the moon.

But the monster took me and hurled me into the wood. I was flying through the air

Flying like a decrepit bird

And finally I hit the fire

The fire which roasted me into smithereens

And then all I was

All I turned into was dust

Scattered into the woods

I became the tree’s

The grass, flowers and wood.

And it wasn’t too bad.

The Monster had long since left.

But there were other things in these woods creeping and crawling

Killing, violating all forms of my world, all forms of me

Because I was the world

I was all parts of it.

And then the dream ended.

I was in a bed

Human again,

But not really,

Not in my mind.

Quote

Hypnogia cleared away; …

6 Jun

Hypnogia cleared away; I was back in the physical world.
Physical, mental, astral,
……are connected.

A figure in the mirage of my thoughts and fantasies,
Whispered to me:

“Nothing ever dies, not really.”

“The soul they say,
lives forever
eternity is the well in which the soul swims.
Only the physical the blood and skin…
…..the husk,
departs.”

If everything is energy
if every object, every person and every invisible thing
is energy
then nothing,
…..nothing can ever be destroyed.