Tag Archives: Live

Dreamer’s Struggle—Reality or Fear?

4 Nov

My blood is pumping, my ears cannot distinguish between the sounds of screams, moans and yells, the mob is too much. Clusters of people are gathering around squishing, pushing, no hesitation, only panic.

I wake up. Dead air, silence, nothing.

I can go back in time,

I can rehearse the chaos,

Feel the hands, and fingers of hundreds poking at me,

grabbing,

what is this nightmare?
Is it a reality? A memory from before this life?

How can a dream feel so vivid, so real….so much like the crystallized snapshot,

only memories are capable of producing?

I close my eyes, the bed says sleep child, sleep.

Yet the child shivers,

And though my body is no longer small and weak,

Though my hands have grown,

And my knowledge of this world deepended,

The helplessness is still there,

The unknowing, that fear that is easy to push down,

Comes back up sometimes…

I tell myself it is not real…I am in control.

Sometimes though, when I have fought too much,

When my armor is off,

It is hard, it is a choice.

Let the fear consume me, I could just stay in my shell forever.

Or crush my teeth together, scream at this nameless evil,

And reach a state of happiness,

Hard to grasp,

But once I’m there—

The struggle makes sense,

The worth of happiness is stronger than the price of remaining nothing.

Meaningless Thrills

13 Oct

Filling the dark room with the soft seductive music of the devil,

They played the game across the room,

Took a hand,

Grasped a shoulder,

Skin on skin,

That is how we like it.

 

 

Flash forward,

When is it going to end?

My pain, this deep guttural suffering

It twists in me, the memories leap out everywhere

My lonely soul, my heart ripped

Too many times this dance has leaded me to despair.

 

 

Yet it happens everywhere

All the time, right now.

And it’s no unique situation,

Those who get hurt easily should know better.

 

 

Flash back to that room,

The music subdues all the mortals in the room,

Do they really think this is the last night of fun?

I pull away,

I look around,

This has happened before

This mistake

These moves–all of it.

 

 

 

It’s been so long,

This environment— is toxic

These people they are stuck in this,

And again and again, I’ll get sick

With this disease not of the heart but the mind

The ego

It easily bruises, depression sets in,

These symptoms I should know—

They come from actions unspoken

And the idea of thrill—-

 

 

Inflicting pain on you is a choice—

When you have learned the lesson and yet choose,

Not to apply what you have learned.

And is it really worth it?

Is satisfying thrill worth the pain that follows?

 

I had to consciously ask my self this

And for a while, I could not because….

Like a merry-go-round rotating faster and faster

The speed making me dizzy with delusion

I just thought about the momentary happiness,

Didn’t look at the future,

And sometimes we must step out of that merry-go-round,

Out of that seductive room,

Take a breath and question what you want

And if what you are doing is taking you there or somewhere

Only pains exist.

 

 

Be prepared to run…

And that is okay because

What you want will come around

At some point at, the right place, the right time, the right people.

Sometimes running

Is the strength your patience needs.

Temporary Delirium

30 Sep

Living in her own head,

The girl with one earring

The one dancing with a song no one hears,

The one who stares aimlessly into the abyss

I look at her,

I see what she could be

All the possibilities

All the dreams,

Shooting past her

Will she grab one?

 

Crying in his alcoholic melancholy,

He sits where no one can see him,

He laugh’s where no one can hear

Can he catch a shooting star?

Make a wish?

Can he let go of every insecurity?

I look at him,

and wonder,

can he get out of his head?

 

 

Lost is a place,

it’s a time

it is one of those places in-between

it has no gender

no specifics to enter,

it simply is.

 

There is a choice

stay forever

or walk away,

get up,

make a move

speak less and do more of the things that will help make a better life.

 

 

We must run to the things that love us,

we must catch the wonders of the world

and never forget

that we are alive

and all this non-sense

all this background noise

trying to distract us

is irrelevant–doesn’t matter

hold on to what is real,

recognize the imaginary,

distinguish what can be good–

and what can lead you astray.

 

 

One day–all the girls and boys,

come to a point

where they can keep living in childhood delirium

or wake up,

and grow up,

the choice will always be there.

 

 

You will look back at that place called “lost”

and giggle at all the distractions

see how courage saved you,

you will remember that child,

but it’s not you anymore

–you are strong

you are powerful,

you see the right–

 

Never forget you can change!

and you decide

to make your circumstances temporary or permanent,

you decide every day,

if being lost in delirium

is really where you want to be.

 

Sweetest Taste

2 Sep

Have you ever tasted success?

Felt it on the tip of your tongue,

swirled in your mouth,

every taste bud jumping,

and then the great swallow,

of that wonderful wine, that beautiful dip,

down your throat into your body.

Success, feeds your organs,

gives them new energy,

a vibration clinging to the mind,

the accomplishment,

the goal is never too far

if one has the desire to taste the greatest wine of them all.

Court Jester of the Mind

14 May

Court Jester of the Mind

It is that sticky little voice inside our heads, that for most, always keeps us from accomplishing great things. For a very long time I listened to the evil voice inside my head that would constantly fill me with regret, doubt and the worst of all fear.

Fear corrupts a person. It is disgusting and leads to everything else that makes a person unattractive. Jealously, hatred, lying, bullying, self-doubt are just a few of the things that fear brings on.

The jester in my head was turning me into a monster. It was reaping my life into bits. The worst part was that I was letting that little voice that was not a voice of truth take away any happiness that I would feel for brief moments.

I was not thinking positively not in the least. Actually, at that time which was in my younger years I do not think I ever even heard of positive thinking. I did not even know the power that it held.

People cannot see  the thoughts in your head. They don’t know what your thinking the only way that people actually know what’s going on is by the way you act and the way that you say things. When a person’s mental dialogue is a complete a non-stop, repetitive cycle of self-doubt their actions reflect it. This took me such a long time to learn.

I was going to such extreme negatives that I would think even my friends did not like me. This was all created by the jester, the commentator who is the one that tell us that we cannot do it. Whatever it is.  That we are not good enough. Moreover, for some reason we accept everything that this jester says as the truth as realistic. The thing is that once I realized that everything the jester said was a lie I could control it. Defeating that voice took so much practice. I had to literally pick out the negativity in my head.

Anytime some kind of a non-sense thought came up something that made me not want to do something I would ask : is this true?
The answer was easy. I called the jester out. Let us pretend that your mind is like a royal court one form the middle Ages. You are the King; actually, you are the God of the court. This is you mind, you own, the court ,every aspect of it is yours. From the people to the furniture whatever it is yours no one else has it.

I visualized the court. At the center if it was the Jester. It was not a person at all but a thing. I stripped it of everything. It’s stupid hat, it’s toys, jingle bells –everything.

Then you tell that Jester in front of everyone so that it is completely embarrassed so that it knows that you now hold all the power in the kingdom.

I told the jester he was banished, no longer had any control here. NO longer was the voice of reason. No longer did I care for it’s jokes at my expense. Who do you think you are? Poisoning my mind. You may have played an active role at one point but now your done. You have kept me from accomplishing great things. From getting out of the bed. You’ve made me weak through my fear and because of that your out.

You will never see this court again; you will never come to this kingdom ever again.

That was the day that finally I took the wheel of control. I decided that these negative thoughts had stemmed from the jester. Now that it was gone, I was filling my head with Yes I can. I am better than good enough; I can do whatever I need to do.

I have learned how to filter my thoughts. There was a time when I thought that these negative thoughts were realistic. They are not at all. The thing is if your constantly  listening to this voice that you think is reason you will never get anywhere.

Regaining control and telling those thoughts they did not matter made me stronger and that is when the real miracles in my life were coming in.

It is funny because looking back you should never regret anything. What was done was done and it helped lead you to a certain understanding about life and the nature of the world. So do not look back and regret. Look back and laugh.

I was putting myself in situation’s that were making me miserable. People I actually did not like. It was because of the way I was thinking. When you change your perspective everything else changes. You see the world in a new way. As if, you were given a new set of eyes.

The thing is that I started making better choices for myself. Choices that made me content. Instead of following the commentator, which was hindering me, I did everything else.

The only reason why we usually stop going after a goal is because of the commentator. Les Brown said that in life there are no limitations except the ones we make.

You decide today, actually right now whether you want to listen to the jester. The excuses that the jester makes are the only excuses you use not to go after what you want. Concur the jester, destroy the excuses and do what it is that will make you happy.

Life really does become so spectacular when you take the wheel and drive. When you decided that the excuses are not enough  to stop you. Remember the only thing stopping you, is you. The excuses you make become your truth. Redefine what your truth is. Control your life by starting with the invisible:your thoughts. Which only become visible through yourself.