Tag Archives: Lessons

Uncovering the Mental Block

15 Oct

The majority of people in this world want to be successful, happy and cherished. Isn’t that what life is about? There is something that I noticed in my life that many times kept me from success. It is my idea on what I need to do to be successful.

I grew up in a family of doctors, dentists, and engineers. These are science and math related subjects, and in high school when I put my full effort in I did amazing. However, the truth was that I felt no connection, no excitement about learning the laws of physics, and theorems of calculus.

I love my family, my parents, I feel lucky I have such motivated people in my life. They thought that in the world we; live in today to have success; the science field was where I needed to go. However, I didn’t and it shocked my parents, because they saw that I had the capacity to excel in these subjects (although for me I could not grasp science fast, I had to study for hours and hours to understand ONE simple idea).

Now–some subjects come easily to us, others don’t and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I believe that if one really wants to be a doctor or a dentist or whatever, even if the subject’s one must learn are very hard, one will put the effort in and accomplish the goal.

For me, I had no desire to become a dentist, my aunt is a dentists and she loves what she does. She works with people everyday, helps them, brings health into their lives, and gives them ward worthy bright teeth! To me this is amazing, and she is such a hard worker, a family woman, and knows how to keep the balance of work and play.

In my early childhood, I sang, I acted I loved to write. Moreover, like many kids, teenagers, and any age group I wanted to be known for a talent! I wanted fame! But what is fame, and why do some of us thirst for it so much? Because really to be I feel foolish I ever wanted fame. What I want is to help people, in an area that I know I am good at. It’s amazing knowing, that someone read a post and was touched by it–and you know what I feel so LUCKY that I started this blog, because I had a great fear that my writing was awful, well that my thoughts were dumb. That no one would like me, that I would be criticized for being immature. I learned thank goodness, that criticism is very good because it’s how we can get better at what I am doing! I use to think it was a bad thing, I feared it! Now I know even if I feel the sting of criticism (which I have gotten over), it is good for me because I can grow! I can learn, and not make the same mistakes.

And hey I am still learning how to develop my ideas, how to express them. Learning to write, and becoming better is an ongoing process. I am not the best, but I think if you love doing something you should at least try! And try again and again!

As much as I love to read novels, and have practiced writing a few, (although they are embarrassingly bad, and are simply my attempts to just try to finish them to the end), I found that writing short stories, and fiction, did not always come easily to me. Sure once in a while I will think of an idea for a story and I will write it–but for me its poetry and essay writing that, I love. I love writing about the idea of the world, our perception of it, energy, philosophy, psychology, positivity, and what reality is to me, and to other people.

Here is my point: I thought that a certain career a certain path is going to bring a success, that for me I thought there was only one concrete way to the destination of success. This is a huge MENTAL BLOCK.

I was limiting myself, because me thinking there is only one way to do something is just CRAZY. We must run to the things that we love, run to the subjects that excite you freely! What is success? Does it really mean fame? I do not think so; I think it means being so happy with the work, you do to help others in life. To bring them happiness and truth!

 

Nothing is easy–and there came a point in my life, where I had to start owning up to the place that I was in. I cannot blame others, I can control myself and my reaction to what happens. I have a great thirst for knowledge–I still read articles on biology and anatomy, and so many more subjects. Everyday is a chance to learn. I feel that till I am old and withered I will still be learning.

My mind is free from the awful idea that there is only one way to get success.

When I start focusing on the things that make me happy, when I help others and I see how I’ve touched their lives, it is the most amazing feeling,  that is when I feel success! I hope that I am thinking the right way, I hope that being happy, but also working hard, concentrating and persistence will bring me where I desperately want to go.

Know what you want, whether its being a doctor, a teacher, a life coach, actor, writer, even a dentist, know that this is what you want to do with your life. No matter how hard it is, remember it is what you want, and you will do whatever it take to get there. You have to know where you are going, create the plan and go there!

To me the future is a destination and there are millions, billions, and simply endless ways to get there. Just know you’re gonna get there.

Meaningless Thrills

13 Oct

Filling the dark room with the soft seductive music of the devil,

They played the game across the room,

Took a hand,

Grasped a shoulder,

Skin on skin,

That is how we like it.

 

 

Flash forward,

When is it going to end?

My pain, this deep guttural suffering

It twists in me, the memories leap out everywhere

My lonely soul, my heart ripped

Too many times this dance has leaded me to despair.

 

 

Yet it happens everywhere

All the time, right now.

And it’s no unique situation,

Those who get hurt easily should know better.

 

 

Flash back to that room,

The music subdues all the mortals in the room,

Do they really think this is the last night of fun?

I pull away,

I look around,

This has happened before

This mistake

These moves–all of it.

 

 

 

It’s been so long,

This environment— is toxic

These people they are stuck in this,

And again and again, I’ll get sick

With this disease not of the heart but the mind

The ego

It easily bruises, depression sets in,

These symptoms I should know—

They come from actions unspoken

And the idea of thrill—-

 

 

Inflicting pain on you is a choice—

When you have learned the lesson and yet choose,

Not to apply what you have learned.

And is it really worth it?

Is satisfying thrill worth the pain that follows?

 

I had to consciously ask my self this

And for a while, I could not because….

Like a merry-go-round rotating faster and faster

The speed making me dizzy with delusion

I just thought about the momentary happiness,

Didn’t look at the future,

And sometimes we must step out of that merry-go-round,

Out of that seductive room,

Take a breath and question what you want

And if what you are doing is taking you there or somewhere

Only pains exist.

 

 

Be prepared to run…

And that is okay because

What you want will come around

At some point at, the right place, the right time, the right people.

Sometimes running

Is the strength your patience needs.

Disgust Me

27 Aug

It was a Sunday afternoon,

when I saw the child beaten

Five years old

and I saw it.

They were outside,

throwing small rocks at the street

and one of them

mistakenly,

threw a rock at a moving car.

A small sleek car, too perfect for the neighborhood.

The rock hit the windshield,

I heard the crack, heard the car screech at a stop

my heart stopped, I let go of the Barbie,

my parents were upstairs I was in the front yard

I should have ran up…but shock kept me seated on the warm grass

A tall man slammed his door shut,

got out so quickly

the huddle of children were dispersing,

he grabbed one of the children by the neck

like a small puppy

the child in his little red t-shit struggled in the air

screamed, I let out a little yelp in response

but was too far, the man didn’t even notice me.

He threw the kid to the ground.

” You fucking shithead” I didn’t know what those words meant

but I remember the ferocity in which the man spoke them.

I ran towards the gates which encompassed the property,

I grabbed the wired holes with my little hands,

as he kicked the child, only seven maybe,

I cried out, “NO NO NO”

The man continued to hit him

screaming at the kid,

Where were the parents, why were kids only out here, why!

A bigger child, a plum little guy, with curly auburn hair and tan skin

ran out with a bat, he reached the man’s knees

and hit him,

the man grabbed the bat threw it to the ground.

I was running out now,

I don’t know what got a hold of me

I grabbed my grandfathers cane

both the kids were on the ground screaming

this all happened in a matter of minutes yet it felt like hours.

A little girl running with a cane,

I came at the man

and I yelled not in english,

He turned at me, I remember the barbarity of his eyes

those eyes were blue, and in another circumstance I would have called them

calm like a sea breeze

But they were full of anger,

he had the bat up,

he looked at me and stopped

a little girl in a pink dress,

with a cane,

astonishment crinkled on his face,

the bat dropped from his hands

clattered on the cement.

He stared at me,

I just looked up

” Shesto?” why? I asked

” I..” was all I remember

and then my mother ran out

screaming at the man,

other parents were coming out now

The man was still staring at me,

the cane still in my hand as my mother held on to me.

He ran back to his car, and sped off.

The police were called,

the kids went to the hospital,

I don’t know if that man was ever caught.

That night my mother held me,

crying,

thanking god her child hadn’t been hurt,

I remember telling her mama, mama its okay

I remember her singing in an ancient language, rocking me to sleep,

the children’s faces,

the man’s muscled arm, his leg ready for a swift kick.

Was it because I was a girl?

Is that why he stopped?

Years went by, we moved to a bigger house

my parents earned a great living

in a suburban town

with good to do people

where such things don’t happen, in the open.

But every once in a while,

I’ll see those eyes on another man or woman,

not the color, that doesn’t matter, the hate,

on a good to do person,

and that’s when I realize,

some people have a monster inside them

much worse than mine.

And they can hide it with facial expressions

and rich clothing

and a career to back it up,

but I know, that all these things

these accessories that we hide ourselves in, to pretend we aren’t human

can’t hide the fact that we are human.

Nearly twenty years have gone by,

and it’s crystal clear,

hardened in me,

forever I will hold the lesson,

and I hope you do to

that some people can quickly…

turn into monsters, and so can we

so can I, any of us can

that’s why we have to remember that there is such a thing

as right and wrong.

I’m still a little girl,

that brown cane in my hand,

that outrage in me.

How dare anyone do this,

I didn’t know the kids,

don’t know them now,

but violence is violence

and I wish everyday

that our world could forget it.

The struggle of revulsion,

The pain of that reality,

I’ll never understand.

Jump

30 Jun

I wanted to rush into the water

I wanted to jump in and swim away,

But I stood there, above the edge, close enough to feel the chill,

Fear crept around the edges of my skin,

My mind wasn’t ready for this,

So weak

So fucking weak.

 

I wanted to jump in, I really did

But wanting was not enough

I had to do it

And stop thinking so much

Thinking too much always killed what I could do

 

I am stronger only when I take a jump.

When I take a chance.

 

Everyday jumping farther into the cold,

And once the initial shock has faded,

The chill no longer bothers me,

I become the water

My body and mind mix with it

Making me a better

More powerful person,

Who knows when to jump,

And forgets little fears.

Cruelty of the Oblivious

11 Jun

Punched a hole in the wall

screamed at me,

called me names, said I wasn’t good enough.

I could have yelled back,

yelled the expletives.

Could have used my words to leave a scar.

 

But I wasn’t in middle school anymore,

this was the real world,

soon to be adults,

and controlling my own anger

was key.

Curve balls, life throws em at ya,

you can either react,

or put yourself outside of the situation,

and decide, whats the right thing to do— for me.

some people are arrogant, selfish, lost in the chaos of their own thoughts,

don’t let their hate ruin you,

I learned my lesson,

never defend someone who doesn’t want to be defended

because you’ll be the one who ends up getting hurt

good intentions are only seen by those who are rational.

 

 

Analyze the situation,

Deal with it.

Learn from it.

only remember the lesson,

don’t let the past consume you….

bother you

torment you

because it will end up killing you.