Tag Archives: Dreams

Dreamer’s Struggle—Reality or Fear?

4 Nov

My blood is pumping, my ears cannot distinguish between the sounds of screams, moans and yells, the mob is too much. Clusters of people are gathering around squishing, pushing, no hesitation, only panic.

I wake up. Dead air, silence, nothing.

I can go back in time,

I can rehearse the chaos,

Feel the hands, and fingers of hundreds poking at me,

grabbing,

what is this nightmare?
Is it a reality? A memory from before this life?

How can a dream feel so vivid, so real….so much like the crystallized snapshot,

only memories are capable of producing?

I close my eyes, the bed says sleep child, sleep.

Yet the child shivers,

And though my body is no longer small and weak,

Though my hands have grown,

And my knowledge of this world deepended,

The helplessness is still there,

The unknowing, that fear that is easy to push down,

Comes back up sometimes…

I tell myself it is not real…I am in control.

Sometimes though, when I have fought too much,

When my armor is off,

It is hard, it is a choice.

Let the fear consume me, I could just stay in my shell forever.

Or crush my teeth together, scream at this nameless evil,

And reach a state of happiness,

Hard to grasp,

But once I’m there—

The struggle makes sense,

The worth of happiness is stronger than the price of remaining nothing.

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Temporary Delirium

30 Sep

Living in her own head,

The girl with one earring

The one dancing with a song no one hears,

The one who stares aimlessly into the abyss

I look at her,

I see what she could be

All the possibilities

All the dreams,

Shooting past her

Will she grab one?

 

Crying in his alcoholic melancholy,

He sits where no one can see him,

He laugh’s where no one can hear

Can he catch a shooting star?

Make a wish?

Can he let go of every insecurity?

I look at him,

and wonder,

can he get out of his head?

 

 

Lost is a place,

it’s a time

it is one of those places in-between

it has no gender

no specifics to enter,

it simply is.

 

There is a choice

stay forever

or walk away,

get up,

make a move

speak less and do more of the things that will help make a better life.

 

 

We must run to the things that love us,

we must catch the wonders of the world

and never forget

that we are alive

and all this non-sense

all this background noise

trying to distract us

is irrelevant–doesn’t matter

hold on to what is real,

recognize the imaginary,

distinguish what can be good–

and what can lead you astray.

 

 

One day–all the girls and boys,

come to a point

where they can keep living in childhood delirium

or wake up,

and grow up,

the choice will always be there.

 

 

You will look back at that place called “lost”

and giggle at all the distractions

see how courage saved you,

you will remember that child,

but it’s not you anymore

–you are strong

you are powerful,

you see the right–

 

Never forget you can change!

and you decide

to make your circumstances temporary or permanent,

you decide every day,

if being lost in delirium

is really where you want to be.

 

A Short Story, Also Many Thanks

30 Aug

First Before you read what I have written, I wanted to say thankyou for everyone who has read my posts, thankyou for commenting

than you for liking, I am so grateful and I feel so blessed, that I was able to have such, kind, creative, outstanding people who would read my blog. We come from different places, grew up in cultures which shaped the people we are today. And we have come together to create these amazing inventions called blogs, and I just sincerely want to say with all my heart, thankyou for taking your time to read, really thankyou so so very much, each and every one of you has given me inspiration and hope to go on.

So today I attempted the short story. I will tell you the truth, that I have tried many times, to write books, just as practice, just to see, if I can really express the emotion, the reality of being human in each of my characters. Anyway this is a short story, one that came to me in a dream.

I will warn you, that it does end quite abruptly, but I was just hoping,

if you wish to tell me what you think.

Is it okay? What can I improve on?

Honestly, it’s not about money, it’s not about fame, it’s about being able to connect with others, to give them a few moments of happiness or curiosity and I hope one day my stories, my books can inspire people, make em happy give em courage, as all my favorite books have given me.

Okay so here it is, and again THANKYOU for reading 🙂

———————————————————————————————————————————————

 

Tuesday shouldn’t be so exciting. Should be a day of work, and a cup of Joe.

They had other plans, my friends, those rascals I loved.

Lunch break, now it is time to go get a sandwich, maybe a Panini if I am feeling exotic.

Brown haired, and grey-eyed Tommy, intentionally, bumped into my arm so hard, they keys for the car fell to the ground.

“Damn it Tom!” and his stupid grin, it came across his face, faster than you can say J-a-c-k-r-a-b-b-i-t!

“Aw shucks, Mr.Bigbuissness, you turning on me.” Of course, he had used the same line since we were in grade school,

He picked it up on some TV show about cops and robbers. I never did like the thrill that he did. Then again, I was the one in the suit

And he was the one with a white T-shirt strung over his head, his chest bear and clear for all the world to see, cargo pants, and man boots on.

“Why are you here?” he bent down touched the side mirror of my crappy red car, licked his teeth, rearranged the shirt so it resembled more of a turban.

“If your on break lets go see Rilly-B” that wasn’t his name, but Tommy made up all our names. Nicknames he called them.

At twenty-seven, I know better, he was renaming us to make us… his.

I did not want to be late to work. In that office. Cramped.

Then again, it had been awhile since I saw Rilly.

“Get in the car.” Again, the goof smile, like he’d known, appearing unexpectedly, would make me do anything for him.

“When are you going to stop dressing like a moron?” I asked when he shut the door.

“Never-ever-I’m Peter-fucking-Pan!” he laughed at himself, isn’t that what all fools do, well only charismatic people get away with that. Or Crazies.

What was I thinking; traffic, at this time, noon, in this city. Awful idea, abysmal.

I started turning on Wingam Street ” Where are you going, hospitals the other way.” he exclaimed.

I slammed the brakes; thank god, no one was behind us.

“Hospital! Did you trick me, you idiot I don’t have enough money to get you into the hospital, ask your brother!” I yelled. Should have known,

Should have known he was doing this all for himself why else, would he come see me?

But this time, I was wrong.

“You’re an asshole. Rilly, is the one in the hospital.” His eyes, those grey eyes, with strange flicks of gold, burned a little brighter, maybe it was the sunlight. Or some weird disease.

Or maybe it was his anger.

My astonishment must have shown.

“St.Peters, its half-a…”

“I know where it is Tommy.”

Silence.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Rilly, had been a fat kid, in our youth. Tommy and I were always the first to defend him, and the last to pick fun.

Now, he lay in a hospital bed, skinny as can be. Damn. How many years had gone by?

His face was sunken in, bruises up and down his neck. An oxygen mask strapped to his face, the white robe and blankets cover him.

Tommy had put his shirt back on. Maybe it was out of respect, or cuz he was cold. I didn’t know anymore.

Visit Rilly. What a shit. Rilly was unconscious, hadn’t been awake in over a month.

“What happened?”

Tommy was sitting on a plastic white chair, his elbows on the bed, face in his hands. He looked like a kid. A kid at church, with his elbows on the railing, praying.

Finally, he looked up, but as the words were about to spill out, someone else filled me in.

“I’ll tell you what happened.” She had become beautiful, Sally that was. Rilly’s sister. Long curls not quite blonde or brown, but somewhere in the middle,

Sally was a nurse, here at the hospital. I remembered now, she had a divorce. I also remembered how good she looked in a bathing suit, in her prom dress,

and how much better she looked without them on.

Tommy gave her a nasty look. Don’t know if he was still mad she never gave in, or if now it was a bigger problem.

“Sally…I didn’t know.” I was saying.

“How could you? You forgot about all of us a long time ago.”

I wanted to say, I hadn’t forgotten, how could I? I just wanted, desperately,

To have something for myself, to know I could be my own person.

Heh, which was working out perfect.

“Listen up Nurse. I brought him. I’ll tell him.” Tommy said. Crouched like he was, Tommy seemed to be, protecting his friend.

From what?

She just laughed, waved her hand, as if to say, go on, you sack of shit.

“Your not gonna be happy, it started….well you know when it started.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked him.

If only Rilly was awake, he’d make a joke, break the ice. Because the three of us were, just…

too serious. Then again, this was not an occasion for laughter.

“Come on man, the summer before you left, ten years ago. The summer we found that shit, at my uncle’s place.”

His eyes were revolving now; those gold flecks seemed to be coming out of his eyes, shooting stars at me.

“I’ll tell you what I think.” Sally said her voice raising pitch, I wondered if there was anyone in the next bed.

“Oh shit.”

“Let her talk Tommy!” Half stammering, I must have sounded like an idiot.

“You two were idiots, snooping around, looking for trouble, like two seven year olds. Well guess what the boogey monsters real,

And this is what happens when you mess with it.”

I didn’t want to stare at her. The meaning was penetrating my memories. Of nights,

Filled with adventure, blood, and even worse…the things of taboo.

I needed a distraction, I couldn’t be here. I was not ready for where this conversation was heading. Anyway I wanted to come here alone, now that I knew. I felt awful. But I could not be here, between Tommy and Sally, I thought I might explode.

I looked down at the fake gold watch my mom had gotten me years ago. Good time to exit.

“I’ll be back later. I’m gonna be late for work.”

“Don’t you dare leave; this is your fault too!” Sally screamed. She was getting closer to me; I put my hands up and walked out.

Her face so outraged,

Her lips thinning,

That face, which was once so relaxed, so supple, and excited… was now, etched with concern, worry, anger most of all.

I’d been away from my friends to long.

——————————————————————————————————–

Tiny Tale

26 Aug

Edges of dark tree’s and wood curved my vision. I rammed the car to push further, down the twirling road. Every now and then the night would hide parts of the road, and I’d think, oh dear that’s a hole ready to swallow me up.

No matter, hole or not. I was on a mission. Let the tree’s fall, hide the stars and lady moon, make invisible the path. I don’t care, even a ravenous coyote could come, and I’d kill it first.

Summer nights like these are not to be trusted. The wind turns ugly, beckoning the chill to come back.

Inside the car I wrapped my hands tightly against the leather wheel. Smell of menthol and fresh packaged mint creeping in the  atmosphere.

No music today. Only silence, for that is in itself where concentration lies.

The man I was searching for, the one I would find he sent me a message.

One I could not ignore, and although it was veiled to protect him, the words unsaid were obvious. Where others have failed, you will prevail.

To persist, agonizing as it was, I had to. No one else could, not in this.

I drove, deeper into wilderness, deeper into the arcane. Closer and closer I came.

No more tree’s no path. Only an open space, a field of grass, looking so black, one might have thought the sea was approaching.

Hands shaking, sweat, dripping down the body. I got out of the car. Out into the wild. And there it ended, and began…my pursuit, into the unreality.

The Bottle

27 Jun

The blonde woman with the red dress looked at me across the table in the overly filled restaurant she was smiling at me, and I did not know why.

“You will get better” she exclaimed with a wave of her hand summoning the waiter

“Yeah and how do you know?” I asked

“I just know”

“Is this a dream?” not wanting to know the answer, not really.

“Everything is a dream” laughing a bit, she was twirling one of her locks in her hair as the waiter made his way over. I turned my face away from him once I realized who he was.

“Aw don’t be like that!” the blonde-haired woman told me. It was easy for her she was beautiful. She could have anyone that she wanted.

“I don’t want to be here. I want to go back.”
“Go back where? To your bed? To home?”

“Yes!” I felt sweat dripping down my face, the room had grown hotter. The people around us were talking louder, getting closer. The tables were started to clunk together. All the round tables, with their silk coverings and delicate glass plates and cups. Clanking together making awful sounds. The sound of doom.

“Your going to have to face It.” she said to me then turned her attention to the waiter. “Death, we would like a bottle of the best.”

The waiter did not say anything.

She was pouring something into the wine glasses. The waiter had left; I just knew the presence that was prickling at my side no longer existed.

“You shouldn’t be so scared.”

“I can’t help it, I’m only human!” I yelled.

“Here drink this.” she handed me a wine glass. I looked down at the drink. It was no wine I knew that, a dark black liquid showed my eyes at the surface. Eyes, which I did not know, eyes that glowed yellow. I knocked the glass over. It burned the table, burned through it, creating an awful crooked hole.

I looked up at the woman, her wonderful featured were twisted in anger.

“No one has ever done that, no one has ever dared!”

“So what are you going to do?” Somehow, I had gained courage. What could she do to me anyway this was a dream.

“Nothing, it’s what you do.”

The occupants of the restaurant were all over me hovering around the hole, around me.

“Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink!” the voices were getting louder, urgent,  hissing at me. Listen to them, do their bidding? If I did not I was sure they would hurt me.

“Please…” I said looking up towards the woman. But the space she had inhabited was empty. I was all alone.

I turned and the people were no longer crowded around me. In fact, the whole room was empty.

I felt the waiter come back, felt deaths prickly presence walking over.

“Oh no, oh no” I whispered to myself, turning in the seat. Something heavy was placed before me. I turned around and death was not there anymore but a bottle was. A wine bottle with the black liquid.

Red letters were inscribed on the bottle:

Just do it

So I took the bottle to my lips, no cork to block my way. I looked around one last time. No audience, no one to tell me what to do. I was finally completely alone.

I tipped the heavy, cool glass up to my lips…and drank.

Woodland Monster Dreams

24 Jun

I was stuck in the dream for what felt like days

No movements from the body which I inhabited

And I suspected it was the body of a rock

Cold, and smooth, muddy with the earth and all her blessed gifts

The soil gave me hope

And strength

Beyond the vision of the tree’s I saw the monster running

It was a strange and horrible monster

It grew each step it took closer and closer to me

It’s long arms were the color of blood its

Face had no eyes only a long wide mouth and two jagged front teeth

Stained with black and red, those teeth told me the story I didn’t want to hear

But had to see

The monster grabbed me

Grabbed my wonderful smooth surface

It’s hands were grimy, and coarse

An uncomfortable feeling, a violation—

I was meant to stay in the earth, I was meant to bathe in the sun, and sleep under the moon.

But the monster took me and hurled me into the wood. I was flying through the air

Flying like a decrepit bird

And finally I hit the fire

The fire which roasted me into smithereens

And then all I was

All I turned into was dust

Scattered into the woods

I became the tree’s

The grass, flowers and wood.

And it wasn’t too bad.

The Monster had long since left.

But there were other things in these woods creeping and crawling

Killing, violating all forms of my world, all forms of me

Because I was the world

I was all parts of it.

And then the dream ended.

I was in a bed

Human again,

But not really,

Not in my mind.

Lamentation & Nightmares

18 Jun

Nightmares are evil things

I’m not sure why the mind produces them

maybe to warn us

maybe to freak us out a little more

But I hate it…

 

I hate the memory

the blood and glass

the skin peeling off as if made of wax

 

 

Every time I wake up from this plaguing memory,

The dream, which is so vivid

so real that I feel like I was there again

and every time I want to scream

but I don’t

I want to cry

I want to do something that’s destructive

But I don’t.

Because the real and the unreal can’t mix

 

 

Only on paper

only in ink am I safe

the only place where I have control

is between the pen and my hand…

 

 

I only hope one day

these nightmare will end

I only hope that I can come to grips

with what happened

understand that it just did.

 

 

But a part of me

that scared

fearful part

wants it all to end

wishes that I had been the person who died that day.

 

 

But I didn’t.

 

 

I kept living,

It’s been over a decade.

Wow a decade that’s a long time.

And I still remember

probably never forget.

 

It’ll take some time

before I can distinguish

what these nightmares means

because right now

it’s still to fresh

and I’m still to weak

to human

to understand the difference between surviving

and living.