Tag Archives: Depression

The Rant…

27 Oct

This is very different from the content that I usually  feel inspiration on, actually, this is something that I wish I were not writing about, but there is an overwhelmingly huge part of me that needs to get it out!

NSA stands for No Strings Attached

No not the movie, the relationship that many involve in. And guess what it is a lie, its imaginary, its unreal it does NOT EXIST. I do not know where this term came along; I do not know why people use it. To me it devalues a relationship, it degrades sex.

Yes, we live in a busy world, one with fast transportation, fast food, fast communication, but is there such a thing as fast sex?

If you are not a hooker, than NSA should not exist. I know this is vulgar, and I do not want to stay on this topic, but I am seeing it everywhere.

It use to be college, a fling that only 20 something’s were involved in but now it is progressing to highschool! And it needs to stop.

Our lives are filled with a fast- paced- beat.

This does not mean that intimacy needs to be fast, that does not mean that we should forget the amazing feeling of getting to know another person, to love another person, to share moments of life with someone.

Why do we need or make love, sex, so fast? There is no reason, yes carnal yearnings are a part of being a mammal, but we are human. That means we think, we ruminate, we have the ability to encompass patience.

To me in a world where everything comes fast, sex has lost its value. And no, I am not talking about economic value, because we are not living in the 15th century. I am talking about the emotional and psychological value that sex once had.

Let us go back to that place. Why not? Lets change the dialogue. Because real intimacy comes from getting to know someone, just like you get to know a friend, so should romantic relationships be.

So I am saying lets put NSA in the trash because it’s NOT REAL, whoever created this term did it so people can treat sex like a pastime between strangers, and hey maybe you get out of a long-term relationship and you thinkthat’s what you need. Guess what it’s not.

Empty sex, is like dead air, there is no point to it. (This is a lesson!)

And I think that both men and women, actually, this is nothing to do with gender or race, this is about being human, life should have meaning, and the activities we participate in, the things we say, the people we have relationships with–it should have meaning, because life is about purpose, and if you destroy value then–take a step back–because every person, every life has a meaning, so don’t hurt yourself or others.

Love is everywhere, it’s all around us, do not cheapen it, and do not forget you deserve happiness, and you are valuable.

Everything in life is really a lesson; see the positive, see the silver lining.

Make every encounter,

Every word,

One of value.

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Meaningless Thrills

13 Oct

Filling the dark room with the soft seductive music of the devil,

They played the game across the room,

Took a hand,

Grasped a shoulder,

Skin on skin,

That is how we like it.

 

 

Flash forward,

When is it going to end?

My pain, this deep guttural suffering

It twists in me, the memories leap out everywhere

My lonely soul, my heart ripped

Too many times this dance has leaded me to despair.

 

 

Yet it happens everywhere

All the time, right now.

And it’s no unique situation,

Those who get hurt easily should know better.

 

 

Flash back to that room,

The music subdues all the mortals in the room,

Do they really think this is the last night of fun?

I pull away,

I look around,

This has happened before

This mistake

These moves–all of it.

 

 

 

It’s been so long,

This environment— is toxic

These people they are stuck in this,

And again and again, I’ll get sick

With this disease not of the heart but the mind

The ego

It easily bruises, depression sets in,

These symptoms I should know—

They come from actions unspoken

And the idea of thrill—-

 

 

Inflicting pain on you is a choice—

When you have learned the lesson and yet choose,

Not to apply what you have learned.

And is it really worth it?

Is satisfying thrill worth the pain that follows?

 

I had to consciously ask my self this

And for a while, I could not because….

Like a merry-go-round rotating faster and faster

The speed making me dizzy with delusion

I just thought about the momentary happiness,

Didn’t look at the future,

And sometimes we must step out of that merry-go-round,

Out of that seductive room,

Take a breath and question what you want

And if what you are doing is taking you there or somewhere

Only pains exist.

 

 

Be prepared to run…

And that is okay because

What you want will come around

At some point at, the right place, the right time, the right people.

Sometimes running

Is the strength your patience needs.

Temporary Delirium

30 Sep

Living in her own head,

The girl with one earring

The one dancing with a song no one hears,

The one who stares aimlessly into the abyss

I look at her,

I see what she could be

All the possibilities

All the dreams,

Shooting past her

Will she grab one?

 

Crying in his alcoholic melancholy,

He sits where no one can see him,

He laugh’s where no one can hear

Can he catch a shooting star?

Make a wish?

Can he let go of every insecurity?

I look at him,

and wonder,

can he get out of his head?

 

 

Lost is a place,

it’s a time

it is one of those places in-between

it has no gender

no specifics to enter,

it simply is.

 

There is a choice

stay forever

or walk away,

get up,

make a move

speak less and do more of the things that will help make a better life.

 

 

We must run to the things that love us,

we must catch the wonders of the world

and never forget

that we are alive

and all this non-sense

all this background noise

trying to distract us

is irrelevant–doesn’t matter

hold on to what is real,

recognize the imaginary,

distinguish what can be good–

and what can lead you astray.

 

 

One day–all the girls and boys,

come to a point

where they can keep living in childhood delirium

or wake up,

and grow up,

the choice will always be there.

 

 

You will look back at that place called “lost”

and giggle at all the distractions

see how courage saved you,

you will remember that child,

but it’s not you anymore

–you are strong

you are powerful,

you see the right–

 

Never forget you can change!

and you decide

to make your circumstances temporary or permanent,

you decide every day,

if being lost in delirium

is really where you want to be.

 

Seeds of Illness

12 Sep

To say I am angry, is not enough.

Anger makes me an irrational animal,

I’ll bite you,

I’ll growl,

I’ll make you bleed!

 

The result, is worse for me than you.

 

I’ll look, at what I did and said—

and think, that wasn’t worth it.

Praying, wishing that it could be erased

just the event, let time create another memory for me,

one in which guilt won’t follow.

 

 

 

I question my anger. I question the source.

I ask what is your purpose?

I’ll find it has no aim

no goal.

 

It’s a temporary sickness.

The minds disease when unsure how to cope,

but most of all,

when there is not an inch of understanding,

 

How can we start thinking of solutions?

 

Maybe it’s about caring

about giving a shit

about putting it all together

and asking yourself

before anything else transpires

what does this mean to me?

What is going to happen, if I pull that trigger to my insanity?

Whats gonna be the result?

 

 

It’s no good.

It’s no solution,

it’s no answer.

 

Question your anger

question what it means,

and most of all–you must remember,

that anger starts as a seed…

 

Pluck it OUT of your mind,

throw it to the wind.

because anger is NOT REAL.

And it only becomes so–when you let it enter reality,

don’t let your anger become a physical manifestation,

mark it as useless.

 

 

Become the strong spirit you are.

Find it within yourself

that strength,

can come when

the illness of the mind

no longer exists.

Disgust Me

27 Aug

It was a Sunday afternoon,

when I saw the child beaten

Five years old

and I saw it.

They were outside,

throwing small rocks at the street

and one of them

mistakenly,

threw a rock at a moving car.

A small sleek car, too perfect for the neighborhood.

The rock hit the windshield,

I heard the crack, heard the car screech at a stop

my heart stopped, I let go of the Barbie,

my parents were upstairs I was in the front yard

I should have ran up…but shock kept me seated on the warm grass

A tall man slammed his door shut,

got out so quickly

the huddle of children were dispersing,

he grabbed one of the children by the neck

like a small puppy

the child in his little red t-shit struggled in the air

screamed, I let out a little yelp in response

but was too far, the man didn’t even notice me.

He threw the kid to the ground.

” You fucking shithead” I didn’t know what those words meant

but I remember the ferocity in which the man spoke them.

I ran towards the gates which encompassed the property,

I grabbed the wired holes with my little hands,

as he kicked the child, only seven maybe,

I cried out, “NO NO NO”

The man continued to hit him

screaming at the kid,

Where were the parents, why were kids only out here, why!

A bigger child, a plum little guy, with curly auburn hair and tan skin

ran out with a bat, he reached the man’s knees

and hit him,

the man grabbed the bat threw it to the ground.

I was running out now,

I don’t know what got a hold of me

I grabbed my grandfathers cane

both the kids were on the ground screaming

this all happened in a matter of minutes yet it felt like hours.

A little girl running with a cane,

I came at the man

and I yelled not in english,

He turned at me, I remember the barbarity of his eyes

those eyes were blue, and in another circumstance I would have called them

calm like a sea breeze

But they were full of anger,

he had the bat up,

he looked at me and stopped

a little girl in a pink dress,

with a cane,

astonishment crinkled on his face,

the bat dropped from his hands

clattered on the cement.

He stared at me,

I just looked up

” Shesto?” why? I asked

” I..” was all I remember

and then my mother ran out

screaming at the man,

other parents were coming out now

The man was still staring at me,

the cane still in my hand as my mother held on to me.

He ran back to his car, and sped off.

The police were called,

the kids went to the hospital,

I don’t know if that man was ever caught.

That night my mother held me,

crying,

thanking god her child hadn’t been hurt,

I remember telling her mama, mama its okay

I remember her singing in an ancient language, rocking me to sleep,

the children’s faces,

the man’s muscled arm, his leg ready for a swift kick.

Was it because I was a girl?

Is that why he stopped?

Years went by, we moved to a bigger house

my parents earned a great living

in a suburban town

with good to do people

where such things don’t happen, in the open.

But every once in a while,

I’ll see those eyes on another man or woman,

not the color, that doesn’t matter, the hate,

on a good to do person,

and that’s when I realize,

some people have a monster inside them

much worse than mine.

And they can hide it with facial expressions

and rich clothing

and a career to back it up,

but I know, that all these things

these accessories that we hide ourselves in, to pretend we aren’t human

can’t hide the fact that we are human.

Nearly twenty years have gone by,

and it’s crystal clear,

hardened in me,

forever I will hold the lesson,

and I hope you do to

that some people can quickly…

turn into monsters, and so can we

so can I, any of us can

that’s why we have to remember that there is such a thing

as right and wrong.

I’m still a little girl,

that brown cane in my hand,

that outrage in me.

How dare anyone do this,

I didn’t know the kids,

don’t know them now,

but violence is violence

and I wish everyday

that our world could forget it.

The struggle of revulsion,

The pain of that reality,

I’ll never understand.

Water to the Soul

24 Aug

I have not felt this free in weeks

It has taken me that long

To realize that I cannot let go of this one thing

To write is to think

I have been thirsty for days

Dying

Inside my body, I only feel the ache of a weakness

And I tried

Told my self I was not good enough to do this

Told my self I had no voice

And then in the midst of thirst

Insanity set in

And through it came my need

I broke down

The pen and paper came to me as if by magic

And in that way I could not stop

Hours went by

When I finally looked at a clock

My heart stopped

This is beauty

This is life

The ability of curiosity

Which some of us shut out–

Make it a thing unknown except in child hood memories but I have decided memory

Is no longer sufficient

I have decided that it is time

To brake the rules

Make a few mistakes and maybe through them something good will come

They tell me this is no way to live a life

They say that this is a long road of sorrow

But how am I suppose to cope

With out the pen

All these thoughts they jumble in my head

They squeeze together

Until I can’t live in there any longer

Finally the breath comes

The sip of water I had been restraining against

And I am completely again

I am human

Ugly and beautiful

Animal and spirit

And all of this makes me

Half lunatic

And half something else

Something I cannot define

Not yet not now.

Don’t ever hold it back

even if it seems like crap

Do not hold back

Wake Up

7 Aug

Life has meaning when you put meaning into it,

I’ve been in a rut for the past week.

Depressed, thinking stupid things,

wasting my time so I don’t have to deal with reality.

But this morning, my brain woke me up by way of a message :

That it’s a choice I am making

it’s a choice to sit around

it’s a choice to do something

and its a choice to start being happy,

to start remembering that everything in this world….

is connected

that everything in this world has a meaning.

I was so angry because

I couldn’t think up any stories

think up a beautiful tale to tell

and that’s silly

life has so many stories

I guess it’s about learning

it’s about just trying

I’ve been too embarrassed to tell the real stories

the stories about my life

but each chapter of my life is a book.

Each place I’ve moved to

the parties I’ve been to

the things I have seen

they are all stories

and its about paying attention to the world around you.

But why I am so focused on thinking up ways to write?

When I should just write

like right now I feel so good.

It’s like finally, finally I can write and all these emotions

all these realizations

they feel real

I feel real

I feel significant

worth it.

Sometimes when I get depressed,

I’ll start thinking that success is crazy

that how could I be successful?

But that’s so stupid!

I decided today

that I am no longer going to think that success is beyond my reach.

In fact I believe it is around the corner

but its time,

being an overactive human like myself

makes me want things fast

achieve fast

get it as soon as possible!

and when it doesn’t come fast

I get frustrated

I become a zombie.

That’s no way to live,

that’s not a mentality that I want to stay in

I want to be calm

I want to accept the world around me

I want to breathe in its beauty

I am curious about everything

I want to know why the world is the way it is

And I believe, that it is through my own fiction

that I can learn, understand and most of all appreciate my life.

You see I have a theory

that when one sits down to write

they should just do that

just go through the motions

just do it,

don’t think, that what your writing is stupid

because that’s completely cutting off your value as a person.

And that’s not fair to ourselves,

Right now I feel super inspired

I can feel like this any day any time

by just remembering that even the motion of writing

even trying is significant

I am significant

This world we live in today

this era

its full of so many distractions

so many things that keep taking away

our significance.

Because by saying ah I don’t feel like studying

I don’t feel like writing

I don’t feel like working

let me watch some tv or go on the computer and play games or watch a show,

by doing that, we are essentially giving away what makes us

unique

and instead filling our minds with a pollution

that does not allow any time to think

for ourselves.

However, we can escape this bombardment of messages—

by self-control,

remembering what it is we want

remembering that every single person, every life

your life, is more important

than wasting time

and once your dreams come true,

that’s when life gives us even more

opportunities, hopes,

and most of all we appreciate.

That’s the point, isn’t it–

to take pleasure

in the work we do

in the lives we live

by remembering

we are here

we are alive

we are connected

and most of all:

we are significant