Archive | The Past Me RSS feed for this section

This is Just the Beginning

26 Jan

It’s been a few months, I have not written a word. Now I’m back! I feel better, I feel stronger. Yesterday in my religions class the teacher was discussing miracles  as a proof that god exists. I was too embarrassed to raise my hand, another person raised their hand and the teacher yelled my name a few of my friends looked at me and said in astonishment “ Your expeiernce was a miracle!”

 

Strange, that I have not viewed this as a miracle. Does is make me a bad person? Did I just think of it as luck? Because this teacher made me realize yes I did have a miracle. My bones could have cut off the nerves in my spine, and killed me or paralyzed me. If I hadn’t been wearing my seat belt, I would have gone through the dashboard. Yet none of those things happened.

I am walking, talking, living! And this is a miracle, someone up there was looking down at me…and I feel lucky, blessed because I could have lost my life. Because others in this situation have lost their life. So what makes me so special that I get to keep my life?

It is here in this amazing outlet that I would like to recall the experience.

The roads were blurry with fog and drakness. The car swerved, the driver tried to gain control, but the vehicle was at such a fast pace, and the two passengers would inevitably hit the rock.

 

Flying into the air, the car flips one, two, times in the air, in the abysmal darkness. At the second flip the passenger feels her back crack. At first—no pain, just straight, pure fear.

Finally the car lands on the hood. The girls are suspended by their seatbelts. For a few moments the passenger blinks her eyes, recongnition of the event starting to cloud her mind. It would take months, years maybe before she understood what this event would do to her, what it would mean in her life.

They click the seat belts off and fall to floor of the car. All the contents of the car are sprayed around. Lighters, lipsticks, bags, keys, tissues.

 

The passenger starts to feel pain. She screams. The driver is frantic calls 911. The driver is tryign to kick open windows, none of them budging.

In a frantic hysteria, the broken passenger, thinks the car will blow up. Infact she is sure of it. The pain going through her is intense, in the midst of it she checks her car door, and thankfully it is open!
 

The driver gets out, somehow the passenger scarmbles out aswell. This is pain that few could have handled, she is told later.

The cold grass is her only relief…the pain is too much, when will it stop? Maybe she will die, actually she is sure she will die. She longs for it. 

Two neighbors come out, and elderly gentelman and a young girl. The old man is kind, he kneels down, the passenger thinks, everything is a blur to her. The old man holds her hand. Her face is down, eyes closed, all she hears is voices. Voices all around.

“ Did you call 911?”

“Are you okay, what happened to her?”
“ Yes I’m Okay, her back oh god her back.”

The old man is whispering “ It’s gonna be okay honey, its gonna be okay.” But will it be okay? Will it really be okay? Or will this dissmal field be her last vision of earth.

 

Finally the ambulances arrive. Strange faces. A kind woman is helping her, men are lifting her, the are tearing her jacket.  The wounded girl looks up at a boys face…does she know this face? He is just starring at her. She tries to say “ Tell him to stop looking at me!” But the pain is too much, and her breath to heavy…and why should she be mad at the boy starring? She has worst things to worry about now. 

The wounded girl, in the ambulance, hurrying her away. The drugs take away the pain. She slips into a different kinds of darkness, a peaceful one.

The next time she awakes, the surgery room awaits, a kind doctor smiles, “ It’s gonna be okay”

She lives.

Thousands of accidents happen everyday. People die, I wondered what the hell makes me so special that I get to live? This is the third time in my life that I have escaped death’s grip.

A realization is dawning on me. That maybe I have to make something more of this life. And not because I think I am particularly special….but because life is special, and all our lives are worth living.

There are times when I use to worry worry, depressed, sad, mad and I luagh at those fears that created such ghastly times.

In a moment, a car ride, everything can change….and it makes me remember that life is about loving, and living, and that my friends is much more important than anything else.

I have a scar down my back now, and I was going to get rid of it.

But I have decided to keep it. Because our scars remind us of strenght, courage. That when times get tough we have the ability to survive. This life is worth the pain we sometimes face, because through it we rebuild into something much stronger.

 

 

Hospital Time

5 Dec

Hey everyone,

I have some sad news,

This post will not be like my usual pieces of fiction or poetry.

The night before Thanksgiving I was involved in a car crash.

I was in the passenger seat,

I remember every detail,

the driver is not hurt–thank-god she is okay.

I broke four bones–but I am alive, my back will heal and so I am completely grateful to God or the Universe all of it–I am grateful to be  alive because I could have died a  million different ways.

At first, I started to write the whole event in full detail. The sensation of hitting the boulder, flipping in the air twice, feeling my back crack, hanging upside down by my seat belt.

But that’s something maybe to horrible to publish just yet. Plus it’s almost ten pages, isn’t that crazy?

That’s why I have not  been writing, and that is why I will not be writing for a while. Maybe I will be, maybe I am wrong.

I love you all. Everyone and thank you for being a part of my process of writing these posts. All the likes and the comments, give me so much motivation that needed kick of inspiration to keep going . I just want to say thank you and I will be back!

Dreamer’s Struggle—Reality or Fear?

4 Nov

My blood is pumping, my ears cannot distinguish between the sounds of screams, moans and yells, the mob is too much. Clusters of people are gathering around squishing, pushing, no hesitation, only panic.

I wake up. Dead air, silence, nothing.

I can go back in time,

I can rehearse the chaos,

Feel the hands, and fingers of hundreds poking at me,

grabbing,

what is this nightmare?
Is it a reality? A memory from before this life?

How can a dream feel so vivid, so real….so much like the crystallized snapshot,

only memories are capable of producing?

I close my eyes, the bed says sleep child, sleep.

Yet the child shivers,

And though my body is no longer small and weak,

Though my hands have grown,

And my knowledge of this world deepended,

The helplessness is still there,

The unknowing, that fear that is easy to push down,

Comes back up sometimes…

I tell myself it is not real…I am in control.

Sometimes though, when I have fought too much,

When my armor is off,

It is hard, it is a choice.

Let the fear consume me, I could just stay in my shell forever.

Or crush my teeth together, scream at this nameless evil,

And reach a state of happiness,

Hard to grasp,

But once I’m there—

The struggle makes sense,

The worth of happiness is stronger than the price of remaining nothing.

The Rant…

27 Oct

This is very different from the content that I usually  feel inspiration on, actually, this is something that I wish I were not writing about, but there is an overwhelmingly huge part of me that needs to get it out!

NSA stands for No Strings Attached

No not the movie, the relationship that many involve in. And guess what it is a lie, its imaginary, its unreal it does NOT EXIST. I do not know where this term came along; I do not know why people use it. To me it devalues a relationship, it degrades sex.

Yes, we live in a busy world, one with fast transportation, fast food, fast communication, but is there such a thing as fast sex?

If you are not a hooker, than NSA should not exist. I know this is vulgar, and I do not want to stay on this topic, but I am seeing it everywhere.

It use to be college, a fling that only 20 something’s were involved in but now it is progressing to highschool! And it needs to stop.

Our lives are filled with a fast- paced- beat.

This does not mean that intimacy needs to be fast, that does not mean that we should forget the amazing feeling of getting to know another person, to love another person, to share moments of life with someone.

Why do we need or make love, sex, so fast? There is no reason, yes carnal yearnings are a part of being a mammal, but we are human. That means we think, we ruminate, we have the ability to encompass patience.

To me in a world where everything comes fast, sex has lost its value. And no, I am not talking about economic value, because we are not living in the 15th century. I am talking about the emotional and psychological value that sex once had.

Let us go back to that place. Why not? Lets change the dialogue. Because real intimacy comes from getting to know someone, just like you get to know a friend, so should romantic relationships be.

So I am saying lets put NSA in the trash because it’s NOT REAL, whoever created this term did it so people can treat sex like a pastime between strangers, and hey maybe you get out of a long-term relationship and you thinkthat’s what you need. Guess what it’s not.

Empty sex, is like dead air, there is no point to it. (This is a lesson!)

And I think that both men and women, actually, this is nothing to do with gender or race, this is about being human, life should have meaning, and the activities we participate in, the things we say, the people we have relationships with–it should have meaning, because life is about purpose, and if you destroy value then–take a step back–because every person, every life has a meaning, so don’t hurt yourself or others.

Love is everywhere, it’s all around us, do not cheapen it, and do not forget you deserve happiness, and you are valuable.

Everything in life is really a lesson; see the positive, see the silver lining.

Make every encounter,

Every word,

One of value.

Ever Wish

20 Oct

All these charismatic people,

standing around me,

Speaking only when value comes to mind,

Their smiles are gold,

It makes even the most desolate, glimmer in hope.

Oh, they play the game well,

yet–

they are all mad.

 

INSANE—yet it would be criminal–

to sound out this truth,

I will cling to their personas

and wish they were my own.

How natural their gestures

and questions

their rhythmic dancing and composed faces,

ah if only I could be like these beautiful creatures

each reflecting the delicacy of life.

 

All around me, I watch,

as they laugh at those who could never be lunatics like them,

silence grip me—

Because they’ll show their humanity

give a hand where it needed

and a lack of control on my part seeps out

 

—-for how can one be so cruel and at the next moment,

the philanthropist?

 

These things I will never put a name on,

never know what defines them,

will their karmic damage ever manifest?

 

All these charismatic people,

are the characters that color my life

and I’ll love them forever,

even if I cannot understand every action,

I’ll still wish I could be them…..

But at least I get to watch.

Uncovering the Mental Block

15 Oct

The majority of people in this world want to be successful, happy and cherished. Isn’t that what life is about? There is something that I noticed in my life that many times kept me from success. It is my idea on what I need to do to be successful.

I grew up in a family of doctors, dentists, and engineers. These are science and math related subjects, and in high school when I put my full effort in I did amazing. However, the truth was that I felt no connection, no excitement about learning the laws of physics, and theorems of calculus.

I love my family, my parents, I feel lucky I have such motivated people in my life. They thought that in the world we; live in today to have success; the science field was where I needed to go. However, I didn’t and it shocked my parents, because they saw that I had the capacity to excel in these subjects (although for me I could not grasp science fast, I had to study for hours and hours to understand ONE simple idea).

Now–some subjects come easily to us, others don’t and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I believe that if one really wants to be a doctor or a dentist or whatever, even if the subject’s one must learn are very hard, one will put the effort in and accomplish the goal.

For me, I had no desire to become a dentist, my aunt is a dentists and she loves what she does. She works with people everyday, helps them, brings health into their lives, and gives them ward worthy bright teeth! To me this is amazing, and she is such a hard worker, a family woman, and knows how to keep the balance of work and play.

In my early childhood, I sang, I acted I loved to write. Moreover, like many kids, teenagers, and any age group I wanted to be known for a talent! I wanted fame! But what is fame, and why do some of us thirst for it so much? Because really to be I feel foolish I ever wanted fame. What I want is to help people, in an area that I know I am good at. It’s amazing knowing, that someone read a post and was touched by it–and you know what I feel so LUCKY that I started this blog, because I had a great fear that my writing was awful, well that my thoughts were dumb. That no one would like me, that I would be criticized for being immature. I learned thank goodness, that criticism is very good because it’s how we can get better at what I am doing! I use to think it was a bad thing, I feared it! Now I know even if I feel the sting of criticism (which I have gotten over), it is good for me because I can grow! I can learn, and not make the same mistakes.

And hey I am still learning how to develop my ideas, how to express them. Learning to write, and becoming better is an ongoing process. I am not the best, but I think if you love doing something you should at least try! And try again and again!

As much as I love to read novels, and have practiced writing a few, (although they are embarrassingly bad, and are simply my attempts to just try to finish them to the end), I found that writing short stories, and fiction, did not always come easily to me. Sure once in a while I will think of an idea for a story and I will write it–but for me its poetry and essay writing that, I love. I love writing about the idea of the world, our perception of it, energy, philosophy, psychology, positivity, and what reality is to me, and to other people.

Here is my point: I thought that a certain career a certain path is going to bring a success, that for me I thought there was only one concrete way to the destination of success. This is a huge MENTAL BLOCK.

I was limiting myself, because me thinking there is only one way to do something is just CRAZY. We must run to the things that we love, run to the subjects that excite you freely! What is success? Does it really mean fame? I do not think so; I think it means being so happy with the work, you do to help others in life. To bring them happiness and truth!

 

Nothing is easy–and there came a point in my life, where I had to start owning up to the place that I was in. I cannot blame others, I can control myself and my reaction to what happens. I have a great thirst for knowledge–I still read articles on biology and anatomy, and so many more subjects. Everyday is a chance to learn. I feel that till I am old and withered I will still be learning.

My mind is free from the awful idea that there is only one way to get success.

When I start focusing on the things that make me happy, when I help others and I see how I’ve touched their lives, it is the most amazing feeling,  that is when I feel success! I hope that I am thinking the right way, I hope that being happy, but also working hard, concentrating and persistence will bring me where I desperately want to go.

Know what you want, whether its being a doctor, a teacher, a life coach, actor, writer, even a dentist, know that this is what you want to do with your life. No matter how hard it is, remember it is what you want, and you will do whatever it take to get there. You have to know where you are going, create the plan and go there!

To me the future is a destination and there are millions, billions, and simply endless ways to get there. Just know you’re gonna get there.

Meaningless Thrills

13 Oct

Filling the dark room with the soft seductive music of the devil,

They played the game across the room,

Took a hand,

Grasped a shoulder,

Skin on skin,

That is how we like it.

 

 

Flash forward,

When is it going to end?

My pain, this deep guttural suffering

It twists in me, the memories leap out everywhere

My lonely soul, my heart ripped

Too many times this dance has leaded me to despair.

 

 

Yet it happens everywhere

All the time, right now.

And it’s no unique situation,

Those who get hurt easily should know better.

 

 

Flash back to that room,

The music subdues all the mortals in the room,

Do they really think this is the last night of fun?

I pull away,

I look around,

This has happened before

This mistake

These moves–all of it.

 

 

 

It’s been so long,

This environment— is toxic

These people they are stuck in this,

And again and again, I’ll get sick

With this disease not of the heart but the mind

The ego

It easily bruises, depression sets in,

These symptoms I should know—

They come from actions unspoken

And the idea of thrill—-

 

 

Inflicting pain on you is a choice—

When you have learned the lesson and yet choose,

Not to apply what you have learned.

And is it really worth it?

Is satisfying thrill worth the pain that follows?

 

I had to consciously ask my self this

And for a while, I could not because….

Like a merry-go-round rotating faster and faster

The speed making me dizzy with delusion

I just thought about the momentary happiness,

Didn’t look at the future,

And sometimes we must step out of that merry-go-round,

Out of that seductive room,

Take a breath and question what you want

And if what you are doing is taking you there or somewhere

Only pains exist.

 

 

Be prepared to run…

And that is okay because

What you want will come around

At some point at, the right place, the right time, the right people.

Sometimes running

Is the strength your patience needs.